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Bean

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it's times like these you learn to love again [02 Jul 2010|09:34am]
:))) i really luck out sometimes.


Yesterday was an awesome day. I spent all day hanging out with a really good friend, drinking beers, being kids. No drama, no serious talks, no concerns about money or work or my frightening tickets-- just laughs and cigarettes and the pool and gawking at cute married men. We both agreed that we felt like summer was finally here. And I think it was because we both knew that Fall brings change, brings new levels of maturity, brings colder weather. We didn't have to talk about the fact that he'd be leaving, or that another dear friend would, or about my scramble for tuition or stress of work. We lived in Today. It was a rare experience with a very unique friend :)

I spent a portion of my evening with another good, even older friend. And it made me cherish those people in your life whom no matter how much time goes by, you can catch up and it's as if time never passed. I've known her since I was 15 years old, and although we've obviously grown and changed and matured, we understand each other the same way we always have, and have fun and exciting conversations like we were in high school again. I cherish that conversation, because it was reassuring to know besides hanging out for parties or crazy escapades, we can sit at her kitchen table with her mom and watch them yell at each other and I felt at home <3

I'm not prepared to talk about the rest of my evening, but all I can say is wow. I'm so fluttery and confused and warm and I hope its the beginning of something really cool.

OH YEAH and my Grandma sent me a book called The Road to Woodstock by Michael Lang. Fuck it was a good day.

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my soul will have to wait [16 Jun 2010|05:16am]
[ mood | sick ]

Dear Carissa,

challenging your beliefs is different from CONTRADICTING THEM.

desire is often much stronger than understanding/compassion/moderation/virtue.


i need to stop acting like a 12 year old boy

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music make me lose control [03 Jun 2010|08:20pm]
i like music. fine. but i've never been one of those people that are like "i'd die without music" or "i live for music" or whatever. i've always thought music is fun and helpful in life, but not the end all to my existence. and i'm starting to realize slowly just how integral to my life music really is. i can attribute more than one friendship to music- just the sheer act of bonding over tunes we love has resulted in one of my best friends. and music to help reconnect- i attribute music nearly 100% of why a friend of mine stayed close for so long and are reconnecting now. music makes people fall in love, and it heals heartbreak. it calms hysteria, pacifies madness, and excites happiness. thank you, all music, for the friendships i have, the lover's i've taken, and the memories i've made.

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our eyes are open, our eyes are open [24 May 2010|12:20pm]
this was my final for writing and performing monologues

I want to be a hippie. I know what you’re thinking—I’m a teenager full of angst and wanting sex and drugs and social disruption. Or to go braless or stop shaving or something. It’s not about that. It’s about having a time and a place to be free. Sometimes I sit in my room and listen to Creedence or the Stones or Jimi and I close my eyes and dream—dream that I was lying under the stars with friends, with brothers and sisters. Or under a hot sun, naked, with someone I love, someone I trust. Anywhere but here. I want to walk down the street and not have to hang my head but smile, say hi, approach someone and tell them I love you for being alive and having fingernails and laugh lines and belly buttons and; could you imagine that world? Where you love everyone just because of the miracle it is that they are alive? I wouldn’t feel so alone here. My family doesn’t show affection. I don’t even think my mom knows my dad’s favorite color. No ones knows anyone anymore. It’s because no one cares about anyone anymore. I mean, I want to meet someone and have them ask something other than “what do you do?” Ask me, “what’s your favorite kind of ice cream?” “ what is your favorite song to sing?” “what makes you happy?” I want to be a hippie because I want to know people. In the 60’s people did everything they could to get closer to each other. They would trip just to become one with the grass, the sky, their fellow man. And the sex—I mean—what better way to know someone than to be inside them? It wasn’t about getting fucked up or fucking, it was about a need and desire for love, however you can find it. I want to love so hard that there’s literally no room for anything else. I’m sick of the superficial. None of the formalities, the forced laughter, the bullshit. This is ridiculous from this moment on, I will love harder than Janis loved Southern Comfort, I will love harder than Dr. Leary loved acid, I will love harder than the Manson girls loved Charlie. I don’t need the sixties to be free. It started with love, and it can start with me. Peace, brother.

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i wonder how many would be left [19 May 2010|01:18pm]

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i think of you and let it go [01 May 2010|09:40pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

i feel so good about my life. two different boys are helping me in ways they would never know. i just have to find a balance. yay for me.

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all i need from you now is to wake up and see [27 Apr 2010|05:06pm]
i'm just going to start posting the same blog on lj and on blogger, cuz i have different subscriptions on both. that's not weird right?

i realized something. the characteristic i am the most attracted to. talent. i am attracted to talent. more than anything else i think. i'm sitting in my creating and writing monologues class watching this guy who's a playwright perform this monologue he wrote about the summers he used to share with friends. and as i watch him, there's no one more beautiful on the planet than him. this is why i find him so gorgeous, this is why i'm in loove with sidney, this is why i'm friends with marcus and interested in new josh and dated old josh. there's something so intoxicating about watching someone perform. do something they love so deeply-- and to do it well. there's nothing that compares to that kind of passion. any other job; i can't imagine watching someone make sales calls to be as passionate. or someone making spreadsheets or cold calling or whatever. to watch someone sing, or act, or play... it's so sexy and vulnerable and romantic that i get drunk off being a part of that passion. we all look for things in others that we think we lack in ourselves... my own insecurities about my talent might add to why i thrive off what i find amazing. it's REALLY not about me being a groupie. i don't like talent because i like success or find popularity attractive. i just want to be with someone who is as willing to put themselves out there, be honest and self-confident and motivated and lovely. i love that person.

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i don't know why you say goodbye [24 Nov 2009|08:52am]
black friday advertisements make me SO DEPRESSED that i don't have a job. i know retail. i have experience. i'm a good employee. why won't anyone hire me?! ever?!

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hustling is an honest profession. [30 Jul 2009|04:23pm]

Come see it!!!

 

 

 

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we will not let time erase us [12 Apr 2009|10:45pm]

it's quite possible that my life could begin a new chapter in >2 months.

 

 

i'm really nervous.

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blahp [07 Apr 2009|11:22am]
So I'm kinda in this stage right now (for the FIRST TIME in my entire life, honestly) that I genuinely dread going to school.

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hot for teacher [01 Apr 2009|10:12am]

Why the fuck do teachers think they get some kind of exception to the way school is supposed to be? 

 

Exhibit A: Chem Teacher.

For 3 weeks. 3 WEEKS we have been waiting for our "overall grades". Since she grades stuff like Crocker from Fairly Oddparents (aka: F F F), I figured it would be nice for shits and giggles to see what my composite of random grades have made. She keeps bullshitting and making excuses for not grading anything. Why do we have deadlines for assignments, that she has no need or care to follow? How come I have to stress out about crappy essay prompts when she literally looks at the paper and gives it a grade? I watched her hand back papers and write a grade on it as she went.
LESSON LEARNED: Having a PhD does NOT make you a good teacher.

 

Exhibit B: My Online English Teacher.

I post my paper on SafeAssign so it can make sure I'm not plagiarizing. I forgot to attach my works cited page, so I send her an email letting her know I sent it through SafeAssign but forgot to attach my Works Cited so I'm sending it to her as an attachment via email, which her directions said to do if there were any complications. We exchange emails back and forth with her telling me to send my paper to some "assignments" module.. At first nonexistent, then I find it and it's expired, because it's now a week after the due date. Finally she tells me to just send it via email. I told her I did in the first email. She has the nerve to tell me "well then why are you asking me about the assignments area?" AND tells me "email questions are hard because students often are asking a different question than what they want answered." Is she drunk? 
 

I know there are bad teachers everywhere, but fuck community college. Only 5 months till state.
 

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[21 Mar 2009|11:49pm]

i'm so sad. i just want him to like me.

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She called out a warning [29 Jan 2009|10:02am]

NOTHING is more unnerving than losing sleep over someone you know hasn't even bat an eye at the thought that you might be upset. God I feel like I'm in high school again.

 

How do you know if you're being a bit dramatic, or if you're just too jaded to even realize they're acting like a complete baby? 

 

I don't know if I'm completely backwards, but I have to really love you to yell at you/get really mad/be really mean to you. I could never have the capacity to lose it on someone I wasn't exceedingly comfortable with. I know this doesn't make my behaviors okay, nor does it excuse my bitch flips, but I just want you to acknowledge the fact that if I've allowed myself to get that angry at you, its because I want you to understand, I want you to see where I'm coming from, because your opinion is more important than words could say.

I'm sorry.

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freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose [13 Jan 2009|01:51am]

i'm feeling excessively mundane. so i'm going to bring all of you down with me.

 

are you really happy? i don't mean just because things aren't bad. that's not enough. i mean, are you excited to be thriving? because if you're not, maybe you'll understand what i'm getting at.

 

i've always had a deep-seeded fear of being alone. but here's the problem-- being alone isn't solved by being with anyone. you could be married for 45 years and still be horrifyingly alone. you could be with someone who's perfect and wake up one morning and realize that just because things aren't bad doesn't make them good.

 

i watched revolutionary road tonight and it just hit me like a ton of bricks because i realized that in my desperation to feel something--ANYTHING-- i've made some pretty shitty choices. that in my fear of loneliness and isolation i've become obsessed with people and things, whatever lets me pretend i'm whole. and in doing so, have pushed everyone away so that now, i can look around and realize what loneliness looks like.

 

i mean, in my last blog, the reason why i questioned the importance of friends is because they don't DO anything for you. it's only those who really fuck with you (and i mean that in a good way) that make any sort of impact, so why waste time and effort during the short lives we have formulating people around us who makes us feel "not bad".

 

i've done some dumb stuff-- i mean, willingly made some awful decisions. but looking at them now, they were all in the attempt to feel something. it didn't even matter if the feeling was positive-- many of us fight just to fight, just to pretend we're in a movie.. like our lives will ever be as dramatic or revolutionary as movies make them.

 

i'm babbling. but i continue because i ask anyone who comes across this blog to make a real effort-- not an effort to not feel bad, but an effort to actually feel good-- to FEEL SOMETHING. take chances because there is nothing more frightening than to realize that alright is not good enough. nothing is good enough. my fingers shake as i write because i'm so lost as to where to turn.

 

i know what to do when i'm sad.. or angry.. but what does one do when they feel nothing? 
 

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