i'm feeling excessively mundane. so i'm going to bring all of you down with me.
are you really happy? i don't mean just because things aren't bad. that's not enough. i mean, are you excited to be thriving? because if you're not, maybe you'll understand what i'm getting at.
i've always had a deep-seeded fear of being alone. but here's the problem-- being alone isn't solved by being with anyone. you could be married for 45 years and still be horrifyingly alone. you could be with someone who's perfect and wake up one morning and realize that just because things aren't bad doesn't make them good.
i watched revolutionary road tonight and it just hit me like a ton of bricks because i realized that in my desperation to feel something--ANYTHING-- i've made some pretty shitty choices. that in my fear of loneliness and isolation i've become obsessed with people and things, whatever lets me pretend i'm whole. and in doing so, have pushed everyone away so that now, i can look around and realize what loneliness looks like.
i mean, in my last blog, the reason why i questioned the importance of friends is because they don't DO anything for you. it's only those who really fuck with you (and i mean that in a good way) that make any sort of impact, so why waste time and effort during the short lives we have formulating people around us who makes us feel "not bad".
i've done some dumb stuff-- i mean, willingly made some awful decisions. but looking at them now, they were all in the attempt to feel something. it didn't even matter if the feeling was positive-- many of us fight just to fight, just to pretend we're in a movie.. like our lives will ever be as dramatic or revolutionary as movies make them.
i'm babbling. but i continue because i ask anyone who comes across this blog to make a real effort-- not an effort to not feel bad, but an effort to actually feel good-- to FEEL SOMETHING. take chances because there is nothing more frightening than to realize that alright is not good enough. nothing is good enough. my fingers shake as i write because i'm so lost as to where to turn.
i know what to do when i'm sad.. or angry.. but what does one do when they feel nothing?